[old] Memoir 6: Autistic Drift

Awander in the world, looking for a new place to study reality.

*** I am revising my memoir chapters here on the Dark Gift to include intex. This chapter you are reading is an original version that will eventually be revised and replaced. ***

Growing up in France, for as long as I could remember I’d felt different from the other kids. We had different interests and when I spoke, kids often looked confused, as if I were from another planet. My love for classical music and really old songs didn’t help in that regard. I battled through my whole life feeling out of place.  
   .Eileen Lamb, All Across The Spectrum

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After two months I was discharged from Sheppard Pratt. This inaugurated a period of wandering. Autistic drift. I did not yet understand I was afflicted with the dark gift. But I did understand I was peculiar and had trouble fitting in.

I cultivated no career objectives. I didn’t understand the notion of choosing a profession to prepare for. I nursed no family objectives. I didn’t understand marriage and knew I couldn’t be an effective father. I viewed the mental health industry as a source of inefficiency and ignorance rather than competent, targeted relief. Mostly, I was fixated on the fundamental nature of reality. I found it difficult to make decisions about education, training, career, and relationships without understanding how the physical universe worked, top to bottom.

I didn’t want to deal with the local or the human until I possessed at least a rough sketch outline of the design and operation of the cosmos.